Waiting and waiting and waiting

I am 34 weeks along now and feel as though I am coming out of my skin. I know that part of the reason I feel this way is because I cannot exercise. I love movement and I especially love being outdoors this time of year. The weather is a perfect 75-85 degrees... I should be meandering up a trail, through trees, toward the top of a mountain. Well, that is not a possibility for me. I have had too many preterm pregnancy scares so I am stuck to modified bed rest. My doctor has ordered me to limit the amount of walking, no heavy lifting, and absolutely no exercise. I am bored out of my mind and this is not a great situation for me to be in because my thoughts wander easily. I'm ahead in my school work, we have purchased everything we need for the baby, and we have taken all of the necessary infant preparation classes. I have used television as a means of distraction, but I am entirely bored with that.

What now? I am obsessing about our son. What will he look like? Will he have my hazel eyes or my husband's green eyes? His curly hair or my wavy hair? Then I imagine holding him, nursing him, and snuggling him. I never got to do that when I was pregnant with Leslie. I would not allow myself. I buried those feelings. When I was pregnant with Leslie I imagined what my life would be like without her. I hoped for what many teenager girls probably hope for... relationships, partying with friends, looking "beautiful," cute clothes, and the like. I distracted myself by imaging a life different from that I was experiencing. I could not imagine what motherhood might be like because then I would not be able to go through with it. I imagined full wardrobes and how I would look in the clothing without the pregnant belly. I focused on how attractive I would be. I imagined freedom, freedom from my parents, a life that I would choose. Those fantasies made the third trimester bearable for me.

Well here I am ten years later and in a very different situation. My husband and I planned this pregnancy. In my mind I am now allowed to imagine motherhood. I am twenty-seven years old, married, and in love. We own a house. I finished my undergraduate education at the University of California, Berkeley. I've almost finished half of my MA program. My husband has a great job. I've been in therapy for years. I have worked through much of my childhood wounds. I'm sober. This might sound really petty and I believe that these things do not make me any more capable to love. Is love all it takes to be a good mother? What makes a good mother? These are big questions that I do not really know the answer to. I do know that I am in a very different place now than I was ten years ago. My home life is stable. I still have the occasional turbulent day that I myself cause, but I feel different. I do think that my capacity to love has changed. I can now be selfless in a way that I rarely could in high school when I made the decision to place Leslie with another family.

I think I'm getting a bit off track from what I intended to write about. I have allowed myself to fantasize about motherhood and now I am obsessed with that fantasy. I am having the hardest time staying in the present. A big part of that is because I am so physically miserable right now. So I try to distract myself. I watch television. I cook. I eat. I sleep. I manage, but my life is not very fulfilling right now. I am fixated on my future 3-6 weeks from now, which is making the present unbearably boring. I want to hold my son more than anything. I'm guessing that expectant mothers typically feel this way. They're intensely excited excited to meet the little miracle that has been growing inside of them for months. We can feel the child move within us and that makes us want to hold and cradle the little one with a deep longing.

I said before that I am coming out of skin. I am finally allowing myself to imagine motherhood and I am obsessed with the idea. For nine years I have denied myself that longing. Now that I am allowing myself to desire this it is overwhelming me. In a way it is consuming me. I can think of little else. I keep preparing, planning, and reading about how to take care of this little one growing inside of me. Do you relate? Can you imagine? Nine years of suppressing my desire to mother has led me to obsession. Now how do I manage the next 3-6 weeks? How do I get through it? How do I manage? I really have no idea.