Missing memories

Yesterday I met with my therapist in order to continue processing the grief that has manifested as a result of my choice to relinquish Leslie. I have been seeing this therapist now for a little over one year. I sought her out because I finally came to realize that my way of treating the loss was maladaptive, namely avoidance. I have seen other therapists over the past ten years, but I never went into details about the adoption. I would give the therapist a rough overview of the circumstances then insist that the adoption did not effect me. Until recently, I never saw a correlation between the pain in my life and my choice to relinquish.

I am beginning to understand why I would not have made the connection. It's not that I lack the capability to be introspective. Believe me, I am very introspective. Honestly, sometimes I am a little too introspective. I freely admit that I can be quite self-obsessed at times. Okay, we got it. No problems with introspection. So why was I unable to see that this HUGE decision impacted my life? This is where the title of this piece comes in: missing memories. Have you ever been through something traumatic and when you try to reflect back on the event, the memories preceding the event, or shortly after your memory is suddenly impaired? Large chunks of my memory from the time I was sixteen to twenty-one are missing. The biggest missing pieces are from the time I was seventeen to twenty. I relinquished Leslie when I was seventeen.

I was just reading "Birth Parents in Adoption: Research, Practice, and Counseling Psychology" (2005) written by Wiley and Baden when I came across a passage about memory loss being common among birth mothers. I learned a bit about PTSD last year and how memory loss around the traumatic event is common for those experiencing the disorder. A year ago I sought help from the adoption agency I placed Leslie through. I had never done that before. I spoke with a fabulous social worker new to the agency who assured me that she could help and reminded me that the agency offers life-time counseling to birthmothers. I made an appointment with her and felt a bit of relief because I believed I would finally get the help I needed. I met with the social worker and towards the end of an almost two hour appointment she told me she thought that I have PTSD. She suggested that I seek out a therapist who is trained in EMDR therapy so that I can process through some of the trauma.

Why is it that memory lapses are so common among women who have relinquished a child? Is that we all experience PTSD? I understand that how the missing memories act as a defense mechanism, shielding me from pain. The problem though is that I have not been protected from these painful memories. Instead, I live my life not knowing why I feel things so deeply. Have I always been this way? Was I a sensitive child? Or, is can I source my emotional sensitivity to a traumatic event that happened over ten years ago? That could be. From what I have read, the grief associated with relinquishing a child will never fully subside. Instead, I have to learn to accept the feelings as they come and work with them until they pass. But how can I do this when much of the time I have no idea that what I am feeling is so closely related to this unresolved trauma? I do not have an answer to this question. I will continue to think about it and write about it here so that I can process these confusing feelings.