The grateful mother

This is the first Mother's Day in ten years that I feel happy. The last ten of them I would spend the whole day wondering who would acknowledge that I am a mother of sorts, a birthmother. Some years one or two friends would call. Other years no one would call. The feeling that was always persistent regardless of any acknowledgment was pain. I would do my best to suppress and distract myself from that pain. Any thoughts about what my life would be like if I had made the choice to mother Leslie were quickly pushed as far away as possible. A motherhood fantasy could happen at any time during the year, but I was particularly vulnerable to one on Mother's Day. It's logical that I would think about that, isn't it? Nevertheless, I tried my hardest to ignore those thoughts and the feelings that were triggered by the fantasies. For many of those ten years I worked as a food server. As you might imagine, I avoided working Mother's Day whenever possible. If I had to work I would have a painful reminder of my loss as I approached the table I was servicing. The happy mothers with their children would remind me of my pain.

My solution was to do my best to forget that it was Mother's Day. I tried my hardest to ignore the thoughts about who would remember that I am a birthmother. I rarely called my mom to wish her a happy Mother's Day. Yesterday, she called me to wish me a happy Mother's Day for the first time. At first I felt hurt that she had never done that before. Sometimes, when I am in my pain, I forget that it must be hard to deal with. Even my husband has a really hard time helping me through my grief when I allow it to surface (or when I have no control and am triggered by something that reminds me of my pain). He has admitted to not knowing what to say or how to help me. What do you say to someone who is hurting? How do you support someone who is experiencing pain that you do not understand? Some friends have told me that they thought about me on Mother's Day but chose not to acknowledge my experience on that day because they figured I would rather not be triggered. If you have a friend who is a birthmother and are assuming that she would rather forget her pain, I suggest that you ask her. Maybe she does not want to live in it alone. Maybe a call from someone she cares about might be just what she needs. Maybe not, but I always appreciate it when friends and other loved ones ask me what I need.

I have a lot more to say about this and I want to share more about how happy I am today. I am so grateful that I finally get to be a mother. I will give birth to my son sometime in the next three to six weeks and I am thrilled. I can't wait to hold him, kiss him, snuggle him, and nurse him. I'm excited about the sleepless nights, the dirty cloth diapers I will have to wash, and soothing his cries. This leads me to the other rant that is on my mind today. I absolutely hate it when people instruct me to enjoy the quiet nights before the baby is born because they will end soon. When I am asked how the pregnancy is going I answer honestly. It sucks. I have never been in more physical discomfort in my life (for some reason my pregnancy with Leslie was really easy). I cannot exercise. I can only walk for a few minutes before I experience pain somewhere in my body. Even standing hurts. When I share some part of this small physical misery the standard response is that I should enjoy my freedom from baby while it lasts. Now I am not a violent person, but every single time I hear that I want to punch the person who said it. Perhaps a little over the top? Well, I don't actually do it so I think not.

Here is what I think... Would you remind a cancer survivor that life is really hard? Would you say to him/her,"Enjoy the rest while you recover because you will have to go back to work soon." I probably shouldn't be comparing myself to a cancer survivor because they experience such deep emotional and physical pain. The past ten years I have pretty much only experienced emotional pain. There was some physical pain, most of which I caused (e.g. disordered eating and exercise addiction that I practiced so that I would not have a physical reminder of the pregnancy on my body). What I am trying to get at is the feeling that we have a new lease on life. I hear about that feeling a lot in my studies when I am learning about the treatment of chronic disease. These people who recover from cardiovascular disease, cancer, et cetera often feel incredibly grateful for their lives. Many are even grateful that they got sick because they learned to love, experience, and feel gratitude for life in a way that they never felt before. Through their pain something beautiful was born: a new perspective, a new paradigm. In this way I relate to those survivors. I have a "new lease on life."

For ten years I ignored motherhood. I now allow myself to embrace it and let me tell you... I'm thrilled. I am so unbelievably grateful. I get to care for another human being in an incredibly special way. What an honor it is. I am responsible for meeting his needs. I am so lucky that I get to experience this part of life. I am especially grateful because for ten years I ignored the nurturing motherhood feelings that resided within me. I fought hard to suppress them. I now allow myself to think about motherhood. I keep preparing for it like it is the most important piece of research in my thesis. I read about different parenting practices: Attachment Parenting, Diaper-Free parenting and Elimination Communication, infant care, vaccinations, childhood nutrition, the problems associated with Behaviorism as it approaches parenting ("Punished by Rewards" by Kohn), et cetera. I work with my therapist around my fears about being a good mother. I'm starting to toot my own horn so I had better stop there. The come away point is that I am so incredibly grateful.