Leading up to 17 and pregnant...

Freshman year of high school I was living in Southern California with my grandma, grandpa, and my dad. One day I came home from school and my grandma had a surprise for me. She had read my journal and was ready to tell my dad that my boyfriend and I were having sex. I tried to convince her not to, but after hours of pleading she told him anyway. My father was beyond livid. It didn't help matters that he was on another alcoholic bender. My dad decided that I needed to be moved away from this boy. My father sent me to live with my mother and younger brothers in Northern California. I think my mother wanted the second income, which could be why she asked me to convince my dad to move with me. My parents had been separated off and on for years so moving back together was a disaster waiting to happen.

That summer my father and I moved to Discovery Bay with my mother and brothers. Discovery Bay is a town that was built up around man-made canals that feed into a delta. In the spring and summer families owning water-front properties often take their boats out to enjoy water sports. The place was a blast in the spring and summer, but incredibly boring in the fall and winter months when it is too cold for water sports. When I lived in Discovery Bay the closest grocery store was in Brentwood, which is about a twenty minute drive from the DiscoBay. The closest mall was thirty minutes away. My parents never encouraged me to try extracurricular activities, nor was I interested. Within a few weeks of starting at my new school I found other kids to smoke, drink, and use with.

Initially I would only party on the weekends. I wanted people to think I was tough, hard-core so I would be the chick waling around the party drinking from a handle of vodka. Did I mention that things were simultaneously getting progressively worse at home? My mom wouldn't share a room with my dad so he was stuck sleeping on the downstairs couch every night. He would drink almost daily. I did whatever I could to be anywhere but home. The house reeked like booze and was constantly a disaster. I had a part-time job as a food server, which funded my partying. As my father's alcoholism progressed, he became more emotionally abusive. One day I came home to a belligerent father who attempted to attack me. I gave my mother an ultimatum: either she and I move out of that house or I would find somewhere else to live. While my father was away on a business trip the following week my mother and I moved out of the house.

Unfortunately, moving into a new house with my mother did not fix anything for me. My mom worked long hours and because she was so stressed she would lash out her irritation at me. I'm not sure if she was using drugs with her boyfriend, but I do know that he used regularly. He had a reputation. My mother and I would fight and so I would move back and forth from my father's house to hers hoping for some semblance of stability. The security I craved never came, but I did find Ecstasy. When I went to raves with my friends and took "E" I felt the happiness I always dreamed of. I felt attractive, fun, and loved by the strangers I met at the parties. I was addicted to that state. During that time, my mother found my birth control pills and disposed of them. I'm not sure why actually.

Not taking birth control was terrible for me because I was too insecure to ask a boy to put a condom on. In early June I met an older guy at a rave. I was attracted to him because he seemed to know many people at the party. He seemed connected, cool, and interesting. We exchanged numbers. In the sober light of day he didn't seem as interesting but a I couldn't resist talking to a twenty-two year old who was interested in me. I felt more attractive because he was interested in me and since I was lonely I decided to spend time with him. We would go to raves together, party at my house with friends and E. The first time we slept together was on July 3, 1999. It is an easy date to remember because i got pregnant that first time. I was nervous and apprehensive about sleeping with someone I wasn't that into, but as I said before I was lonely. A few weeks later I discovered I was pregnant...