The Basics

Why I chose adoption: Over ten years ago I chose an open adoption for my daughter because I wanted her to have the best life possible. I grew up in a Christian home with my father teaching Sunday school. At the time, abortion was not an option for me. My home life was chaotic and I did not want to raise my daughter in that world, but at seventeen I would have had to rely on one of my divorced parents to help me. My mother was emotionally turbulent and my father was a raging alcoholic. I knew I was not balanced myself. Before I got pregnant I drank, used drugs, and partied to escape from my family. I wanted Leslie to have the kind of life I dreamed about: loving parents who love each other, stability, comfort, and safety. I did not have the financial resources to, the maturity, the wisdom, or the patience needed to raise a child. I did not want to repeat the cycle of emotional and sometimes physical violence that my family life predisposed me to.

After placement: After the adoption was finalized I did not have any contact with my daughter for over six years, but not because I did not try to reach her. The family I chose for her divorced when she was around two years old. From what I am told, their separation was hard for her. The adoptive father has remarried and for the past several years my daughter has lived in a harmonious home. My daughter only has supervised visits with her first adoptive mother.

Currently: I have had contact with Leslie for the past two years now. I get to write her a letter once a month and periodically writes me back. I still have not got to meet Leslie in person because her adoptive family would like to give her more time to adjust.

Why I write: Another reason I have chosen to create this blog is so that I might be able to dialogue with other birthmothers. My adoption journey has been very lonely. There are not a myriad of support sources for birthmothers. There are very few memoirs and “self-help” books written on the subject. There is only one support group in my area and none of the women in the group are my age (all of the women in that group placed their children decades ago). In case there are other young women who would like to hear the experience of another birthmother, I am writing.

I should also tell you: I have chosen to use pseudonyms for many of the people in my life, including my daughter. Although I am comfortable sharing my experiences publicly, I do not know if all of my loved ones would appreciate the same kind of openness.

I will start by sharing either a story or an event as it relates to what I am feeling around the adoption. Since, in my experience, adoption penetrates every aspect of the birthmother's life I could be sharing about other problems that have come up for me. For example, I was eating disordered for several years and through therapy and self-exploration I learned that getting as thin as possible was one way in which I tried to ignore my pain. I did not want any reminder of the pregnancy on my body. Personal body-bashing still comes up as a coping mechanism for me. So I might discuss topics here that may seem unrelated to my adoption journey. I have learned that this grief has penetrated me so deeply that much of the pain I currently experience is related to underlying feelings of abandonment, betrayal, and sadness.