Choice

Last night I had to go to the hospital because I was in so much pain that I couldn't walk. My OB was concerned because the symptoms I was experiencing could have indicated I was in preterm labor. I arrived at Labor and Delivery tired, agitated, and grumpy. Luckily, the nurse who was assigned to me was really sweet. After reviewing my records she noticed that I had a birth ten years ago and that I chose adoption. She was the first health care provider who has acknowledged the choice I made over ten years ago. My OB knows because she is the person who delivered my child in 2000, but other than these two women my situation is either ignored or overlooked. I understand that. Even my husband who really desires to be supportive is more often than not at a loss regarding how to help me. I suppose it is easier to just ignore it. Is this her first birth? Answer: no. Then they see the note in my file that indicates I placed my daughter up for adoption and they decide to ignore my choice. They still ask me questions about the birth, but they never acknowledge what happened after the birth.

Well this nurse was different. She is an adoptive parent. She acknowledged my choice alright. She even went on to thank me for making the choice I did. She shared with me that her son is now twenty-three years old. A few months ago he tattooed the word "Choice" on his shoulder. He informed his mother that he tattooed that word on his shoulder because he wants people to ask him about it... he wants women to know there is another choice besides abortion and that choice is adoption. Okay, I see why the word choice is so important to this man. I wonder what my daughter will think when she is his age. Will she be pro-life and believe that the "choice" for women is adoption? My feelings about this are a tangled mass of confusion. I know that I am powerless over how she is raised and with what values. Would she judge a woman for choosing abortion because her mother chose adoption? Are her adoptive parents swaying her in a particular direction? I do not know because I think it would be inappropriate for me to ask them.

I guess what I am rambling on about is powerlessness. I really want to feel acceptance, but some days it is just too hard to get to that place. I know that I made the right choice for Leslie and myself. However, that does not mean that I will be okay with the pain everyday. Some days are easier than others. I keep wishing that I wouldn't be triggered anymore. I need acceptance around that too. It will always hurt and that's fine. In fact, I bet it's normal. In the book "The Girls Who Went Away" every single birthmother felt pain her whole life. The pain does not get easier with time. What can change is our perception of the pain. So that's my goal... to accept it, work through it, talk about it, and try not to ignore it.