Uncomfortably numb!

I think Pink Floyd might have been thinking of birth parents when they wrote "Comfortably Numb." Yea, probably not but they sure describe my experience well. Although as the title of this post suggests, I am not comfortable being numb. For almost eleven years now I have moved through so many unsettling emotions that rise to the surface then go back down somewhere deep in my body, or soul, or whatever. All I know is that they are unresolved. These emotions are stagnant so in a way I am living in a muddled pool of putrid water. That sounds terrible, but it is the truth! I have come to the realization that I have been reliving the same experiences again and again. Now it has come to a point where I am intolerant of the emotions, which means I move through life as an anger-bomb. At any moment I could explode and spew anger any which way. These trapped emotions are intolerable.

I have recently started a support group for local birth mothers because I find the lack of resources available to us abhorable. This is a big step that I have been thinking for sometime. I just hope that the members do not expect me to be a pillar of emotional stability. I'm simply providing the comfortable place for us to meet and organizing the meetups. From what I have read, community is an integral part of healing. 12-step programs are, in my opinion, so popular because they provide connection with other people who know what you're going through. It's been easier just to gloss over my pain because trying to get someone who hasn't experienced it is really hard. Of course people are well meaning, but I often just feel more alone after I talk about my hurt with someone who is not a birth parent.

Although I am petrified to feel, I am ready to. I need to. I must process these emotions. There is no way I can continue living my life like the bull in the china shop... bumping into and often rupturing unsuspecting friends. I am unable to have healthy attachments as I am so easily rattled. This has to stop. It must.